I Know The Lyrics Are Reversed.

no tears tonight. i refuse. i swear i must be a masochist of sorts...i really just keep opening my wounds and salting the shit out of them. intentionally. like i'm trying to upset myself. i'm just so very determined to win back the love of my life...in both senses of the phrase. right now i believe carolyn and i are being tested by some greater force...and i know i'm becoming stronger for it, but i don't want her to go. i feel like she will decide later (or sooner i would hope) that i actually am the right choice, but i feel like her girlfriend is cockblocking me, so to speak. i think for every word that i say, she has a reason why that's bad. she thinks my opinions and feelings are meaningless (or at least pretends to so as to intimidate me, much like in the animal kingdom). not meaningless, but used to manipulate rather than actually being logical. carolyn, i am by no stretch of the imagination irrational. ever. until you break up with me and i'm scrambling to save what we have. right now, i'm a bit disheveled...actually very much so, but i still have a clear head on me. anyway, i'm eating for the first time today, so i should not pretend i'm going to write anymore.

i don't know what's wrong with me. all i do is go to work, go home, go downstairs, and smoke cigarettes and cry. i don't want it. i don't want to be that girl. i don't want my life to be totally upside down and the one person i want to care doesn't. everyone else cares and is upset about it for me, and i appreciate that. i just...dammit. i thought it was forever...i guess because that's what she promised, but i guess i should have gone with what i normally do and not taken it seriously. she's so happy now...but i'm not! i'm such an idiot for letting this happen. i should have been up her ass all the time. i should have always spent my money on her even when she told me not to. i shouldn't have fought with her about retarded things. i shouldn't have done any of the stupid shit i did and now i don't have her anymore. i was overly confident i guess...that what she said was true and she loved me for me and it was forever and we were perfect. i want it back. my life. whatever i'm in now is not living. i'm just falling into whatever comes my way...and along my path i bump into things and it hurts, but not nearly as much as the fear of what's going to happen when i stop falling. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't make my jokes anymore. i don't smile and i don't want to. my nose is like raw and bleeding from dripping so much. on the plus side, i've got my pretty crying face all the time! too bad the only one who liked it was carolyn. yeah, i can probably move on, but i don't want to. i don't want anyone else. i want my baby...my onnah reesah roo. i want the green and 459 and moosepunch and family parties and driving her everywhere. i always bitched about it, but i still loved it. i don't want to see her parading her love for her new girlfriend all over the place. i want to kick someone's ass, but that's not who i am. i'm so...angry. i just want to punch everything around me. i don't want to go to sleep and i don't want to eat food and i don't want my horrible cold to go away. i want to remember this for the rest of my life. but i DON'T want this to BE the rest of my life. i know it will be unless i get her back, because i cannot get over this. i can get over ANYTHING but this. my childhood cat is killed in my room, bleeding on my floor and my clothes? eh, panic attacks for a year, but i got over it. humiliated by my friend in front of my girlfriend and her best friend who i didn't even know were there? i mean whatever. lose my job and can't pay the bills? i made it. everything else life has thrown my way, i have overcome relatively easily. so why is it that a fucking girl is my ultimate weakness? a girl who loves me, but isn't in love with me. a girl who spent six years telling me i was the only one for her and that we were going to spend our lives together and she would die before she got over me...all the while attracting the entire washington baltimore metropolitan region and turning them away (after considering a few for a while)...and what? she meets some cliche stereotypical dyke that happens to go to her school and have her major and two weeks later, "it's love". bullshit...but whatever. i just thought that we had made it through everything...to hell and back...and that we were on our way to paradise together. guess she made the bus, but only after throwing me under it. thanks sweaty! she doesn't want to see me or talk to me because she's trying to get over me. why the FUCK would you try to get over someone who hasn't ever done you wrong? if i were hurting her, i would understand. if i were controlling, i would understand. but i let her do whatever she wanted and i guess she just took advantage of that. very nice, my love, but what the hell am i supposed to do? i don't see any reason to assume you're gone forever because you never are. but now you're trying to subtly hint that you want it that way. will you grow some fucking balls and just tell me? you never could turn anyone down. is that just because you want them to continue to make your little ego cum? that's disgusting and i don't want to be one of your little attention slaves. i'm tired of this shit. it sickens me to think of how much we have done and been through together and how suddenly, randomly, and without reason you decided you wanted something better. all i had, made, and came across was shared with you. god FUCKING dammit. guess what song just came on. that one that made me cry even while we were dating. you know, i wasn't crying because it was sad or anything. i cried because you were singing and i could feel it in your chest and your voice is amazing...it was the most beautiful thing that i had ever experienced. still is to this day. it was like a movie...your favorite. i was just so overcome with it i didn't know what to do but cry. now, however, i cry because it reminds me of what i've thrown away to the wolves. you'll never feel what we have with anyone else. and i know, with my infinite knowledge of the world, that there is nothing better. you don't believe me, but you never do. i'm always right in the end though. anything better, and we would both be crying constantly from the beauty of it all. that moment was my favorite time ever...the closest to actually happy i think i can say i've ever been. i'm sorry i'm depressed. i'm sorry my job drains me of nearly everything and i give you all the rest until i pass out in my bed. i'm sorry my dreams don't include college. i'm sorry your dreams don't include me anymore. i guess the gist of what i'm saying is that i'm sorry. i'm sorry from the bottom of my heart and the tip of my tongue and between my toes and behind my swollen, hot eyelids and everywhere between. i want you to know that my heart and body and soul are aching for you from the moment i wake up until the moment i toss myself to sleep. in my dreams, memories of us haunt me and make me happy until i wake up and realize those times are no more. this is not a cry for attention, nor is it a plea for your return. this is my expression of emotions for the first time in a long time and it's been a long time coming. remember, mind you, that i always feel this way, but i don't feel the need to tell you because it overwhelms me and i'm afraid to overwhelm you. my face is crusted with trails of salt and my lungs are aching with exhaustion. actually, this crying is moving my sinuses, so i feel better than usual, but i still have that tickle and cough. i wonder when you'll notice i posted this. i'll try not to tell you tomorrow if i talk to you, but maybe you won't have time for me and we won't talk. maybe you still have compulsions to check my livejournal even though i don't write in this. most likely, you won't notice until time has passed and go "holy shit nikita wrote in her livejournal." then you'll tell me to stop because it's confusing you or whatever. you think you're confused? ha. here comes number four since i've been home. cigarettes. every song i have reminds me of you for the record. actually, i think everything i own, see, or do reminds me of you. i believe that's why i'm having such a tough time dealing with all this. i just scratched an itch i had with my icy cold hand, and now the cold is burning through my stomach like a chemical burn.

i love it when other people blame me for their mistakes and/or shortcomings. it's not my fault you're an attention whore!

this morning, during my first moments of conscious thought, it dawned on me that i have serious issues with anger management. for some reason beyond my understanding, nearly everything angers me. instead of healthily (or unhealthily) expressing this rage, i internalize it. after a few minutes, the steam is gone, but the feeling remains hidden. during one day, i can say that i get very angry at least five times. varying degrees of lesser anger? i've never counted. you may be asking, "why don't you just be mad and get it out of your system?", but that option doesn't really exist because a lot of the things i get upset over are not as big a deal as they seem like to me. for example, if my dog steps on my foot or drools on me, i pretty much want to kick her ass. i know logically that there is no reason to kick a dog's ass unless it's ripping out your throat, so i don't do anything about it. i'm also very, very, very, VERY jealous and possessive of anyone i feel like i'm close to. hence my avoidance of dependence! but, shit happens. when i get jealous, especially repeatedly over a short period of time, i'm ready to go twelve rounds with any motherfucker that gets in my way. so...basically my feelings go unexpressed and i try to forget about them. of course, i don't...they just come back up in a huge ball of unhappy feelings with no reasons attached. that's when i get all emo. sadness is more acceptable to other people than anger. a little more mellow, never harmful to anyone but myself. but! i always get over it, so it's not really harmful...it just makes me stronger.

on the surface and for a good bit below the surface, i seem clingy or in need of people. however, i am a very independent individual. i do not rely on the reassurance of others in order to function. in fact, the opposite is true. i avoid "needing" other people because i know how they can be given too much power over anyone else. BUT, i make a conscious effort to want people in my life. i force myself to think i need someone close to me. the reason for this effort? i am not, nor do i wish to come across as, thinking myself greater than anyone. so, the conflict in this case is that i don't NEED people, but i WANT to need people. a pitiful state in itself, almost as much so as just needing the fucking company.

holy fucking shit. now i can fix it.

i'm lost without you. it's undeniable. however, i'm also really awesome as finding my way when i'm lost. the worst part of it all is that i don't have anyone along for the ride this time...so i'm bored. what's the point in arriving if there's no one there to meet you? i'm taking my time, but i might not even go where i'm supposed to. all i can think of is where i want to be.

what the fuck. isn't the point of love to share it? together? if you're out of love with me, just tell me. if you're in love with me, just be with me. if you're confused, tell me. i know you can rock the "i like two people at the same time" thing, but i definitely can't. if you want me to get over you, you're going to have to hurt me. for real. just know there's a chance i won't be back.

i could cry thinking about all the memories i have with you, but i won't because that would be too emo of me. haha one got out, but that's it. i don't know what you ACTUALLY feel like, since you don't talk to me anymore, but judging by your livejournal entries, i would say you're feeling like something more definitive should be happening. something to show you the way. well, this isn't a movie and it's not going to happen like that. if something's going to happen, it's going to be because you made it. instead of going inside and thinking, you need to just do what instinct tells you to. that's how you're going to get out of the fog. close your eyes and step forward. you might not like what you find, but at least you'll find something. no matter what happens, everything's going to be ok...so don't worry about it so much. someone will always be there to catch you if you fall. however, that doesn't mean you owe them your life. you don't owe anybody anything. including me. including adin and brian and fucking everyone you talk to. if you keep that in mind, you might be able to break free from that whole...doing what other people want and not what you want thing. i know you want to make people happy, but you have to come first.

For today I'm lost without you. Forgot the way to be without you. Without you. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. But for today I'm lost without you. I need a way to be without you (without you.) I need a way to find just a few of you. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yes you know I would be alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yes you know I would be alone. Yes I would if I could stay at home. Yes I would if I could be alone. Remember the day I was lost without you. I found a friend who laughs just like you. Yes I would be alone. Yes I could be alone. Yes I would. Yes I would if I could be alone. Don't you know I would stay at home. If I could I would be alone.

you dumb cunt. you locked yourself out haha.

awesome! another day for reflection on my stagnant life! maybe today will reveal something i haven't seen before!

ok guys! after a brief month-long period of adjustment to something i had for four years, i'm cool again. i apologize for any weirdness. actually, i apologize only to carolyn, because fuck what you all think, you don't know.

carolyn, i know you were never mad at me or anything, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be sorry. i'm not using any lofty language or anything, because while that may be my style, i don't want to mix any signals. i still love you and i always will, but i'm not going to pretend you didn't hurt me. however, i also know it wasn't on purpose, because you love me too and would never do such a thing. so. yes, we have both been caused pain. i'm over it, and you should be too. all i ever wanted you to know, through all those shitty things i said, was that you are indeed a different person, but it looks like we both are. i'm not asking for your forgiveness, nor am i begging for pity. i wouldn't accept either. just please, for my sake, tell your asshole friends to not be so judgmental. if they had any idea of what's actually happening, they wouldn't be so quick to say the things they do. the truth is, these people never have, and likely never will have, a relationship like ours or even a relationship as long as ours. there is no possible way for them to know how it feels to either of us. enjoy your pursuit of happiness, whether it be with a girl with no concept of love, or a boy who treats you like an asshole, or even alone. just make sure you're making yourself happy. i know right now you're not happy, but that may be my fault. i'm backing down and trusting you to know yourself, but please just make sure you don't ask a question you don't want answered, because i'm not sugarcoating anything for you. and also, i apologize in advance and in retrospect because i've been horrible the past couple weeks, and it may continue for a couple more. it's not just you, remember that. my whole life is up in the air right now and i'm just a little stressed out. i'm straightening it all out and i think you'll be pleasantly surprised with who i am once i fix everything else. :) i'll be your charming cutie in about a month, i think. today i came upon the realization that i've been living too much in the future and not for the present. with a new perspective (or at least the revitalization of an old one), i'm hoping to correct the damage that has been done and maybe even make some progress. i don't regret going on this break with you, because i think it made me finally realize that i was stuck in a rut that i really needed to get out of. not with you, of course, because we are forever growing, but in other aspects of my life. i think once i'm in a better place, we can possibly come back together and keep growing in a better environment. one where i'm not always pissed off about everything in my life but you. but...hey you could decide we're not meant to be. even if that's the case, i will be happy and i won't be relying on you to make me happy. we were slipping into complacency, so it's awesome that we decided to break. i was upset for a while because i missed being complacent. it's so much better than what i've got outside of us. now i know that instead of hiding from my shit in your arms, i just have to go out and fix it. so, in short, i would like to thank you, carolyn, for helping me come to this realization. once again, i apologize for being so hurtful to you and insulting other people you're close with. it was just a defense mechanism, and i see that now. i've picked myself up and am now beginning to dust myself off. just don't forget that i could never dust you off. even if i pretend to. i love you very much and i'm always here for you. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

ok guys. time to start over.

well. *sigh* these days have been weird. when i step back and think about it, i've got all these things that i never asked for. awesome, amazingly cool things, but i don't think they're really for me. i've got the job as pastry chef at a fine dining establishment. that is a great job...if you're planning on doing pastry for the rest of your life. but i'm not. i never really was. but for now, i'm stuck there. funny, huh? nobody would feel stuck in my position if this was their goal in life. like...i have absolutely no training in the culinary arts, yet i have at my disposal two women who have spent the time and effort going to school. and for what? because i got stuck working the pastry kitchen by myself for a couple months over the wedding season? if i had gone to school, i would feel like i deserved this, but...i don't even want it. all i wanted when i started was a job baking. i wanted to escape being a server. now, nine months later, i'm one of the bosses in the kitchen. i like the money, and i love the people i work with. i have the work ethic and the desire to make things work, but pastries are not my passion. people are my passion.

i hate them, people, but i love them too. i hate how stupid and judgemental and just blatantly deplorable they can be. however, i like watching them. i like to see how one person can cause a series of reactions and how everyone interacts. i love talking to someone and seeing how amazed they are when i just...know things about them. it's because i observe...not even knowingly. it frustrates me to no end how people can be so oblivious to what their surroundings are, when i'm effortlessly aware of everything happening in my vicinity. i just play dumb most of the time...it makes things easier.

at work, my only social outlet, i am being restricted in how social i can be. i'm one of the few women that works in this kitchen, and i have almost nothing in common with most of the guys in there. so, of course, i talk with the women in the front of the house. mostly the hostesses, because they're my age...and we have the most in common. haha and the guys in the kitchen are not usually the best at speaking english, so i have to tone down my vocabulary and it's hard for me to do that. anyway, now i'm not really allowed to talk to the ladies anymore because they're not doing their jobs properly. now, i understand that this is perfectly logical and they shouldn't talk to me, but this solution is not necessarily effective, and it's mostly detrimental to me. they still sit in the front and talk to each other, without being corrected. but as soon as i walk up to someone and talk, there's somebody coming up behind me and barking at me to get back to work.

also. gah, i only get restless when i know i can't get out of where i am. i can't leave this job. i'm making too much money, and i need it to make my car payments. lately i've been thinking about going to school again, but i haaaaated school. i have to keep this job or a similar one until i finish paying off my car. i'm probably going to just pay as much as i can afford to every month so i knock it out faster, but i'm not comfortable dedicating all of my time to something i'm not truly in love with. speaking of which, carolyn and i are on a break. (i know, i know...old news already. i don't write in this fucking thing though.)

i'm kind of having a hard time dealing with being single. like...i'm not pressed or anything about sex, i just...miss having someone to cuddle with or just talk to about nothing all day. don't make fun...i've had that for 4 years. i'm finally realizing how it's not really cool to be close to only one person, but yeah. it's really hard to think of getting whatever with someone when i know i'm in love and she's in love too. but this is our test, and we have to go through with it. i'm just impatient, because no opportunities have presented themselves, while she has a whole menu of suitors to choose from. she's like "ok, i'm done...i know i love you." and i'm like "uh...i haven't tried anything new yet!" god i'm a loser. plus i'm increeeeedibly picky. anyway...moving on the the next subject.

i'm getting my tattoo soon...i'm going to talk to him and set something up on monday. i've been there three days in a row...every time something new and retarded happens. it's ok, because it'll all be worth it eventually. GOD I'M IRRITABLE! i can't really cheer myself up with all this talk of tattoos. haha but jessica simpson music randomly playing cheered me up a little. at least i smiled. oh shit, i've got to get my cardio in (aka punch shit)! oh well, tomorrow's another day for things to seem less shitty. FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE CLUB BUT I DON'T WANT TO! ...shit ok i'm punching now. just remember, i might be picturing YOUR face on that bag.

so yeah. don't bother reading...i just need to let out all the thoughts i've been having recently.

part of me wants to quit my job because i work so much and don't get much recognition for what i actually can do. the chef, sebastien, is quitting, and he's pretty much the only help i have. i love him...he's so funny, and he makes sure i have all my shit together. i'm going to miss him. if we don't find someone to help me before he leaves, i'm going to be working doubles every day until we do. goooooooooood...this is killing me. i'm just bored of my job right now. i spend all of my energy standing around waiting for time to pass, so i can finally go home.

when i go home, i just chill down in the sensory deprivation chamber, also known as my room. the tv isn't working, so i can't watch it or play kingdom hearts. usually by the time i'm home, carolyn's pretty much asleep. so usually, i keep her awake long enough so that i'm tired too, or i let her sleep and i just kind of idle around on the computer. that's what's so horrible right now...i'm just alone all day every day. at work, i'll see people and talk to them for like a minute, but most of the time i'm passing time alone in the pastry kitchen. it sucks because the one big problem i have is that i feel socially inadequate...it's been that way as long as i can remember, and...being isolated the majority of my day doesn't help. when i actually do get to interact with someone, i feel awkward as shit. like a fucking thirteen year old. i know i come across as completely different than who i am, but there's nothing i can do about it. know what else? in my 19 years of existance, i've yet to come across someone (other than my girlfriend) who i've actually opened up to. one person i've ever been close to, and it's my carolyn. i've been told our relationship is unhealthy because we're so close or whatever. i don't understand that logic. i agree, it might be good for me to have someone else i can talk to about my shit besides her, but that would actually require someone else to talk to me and make me feel comfortable with them. it would also require that i didn't work until 10 or 11 every night.

all these people at work act like they want to fuck me...and it's getting ridiculous. to the point where i can't walk across the restaurant without being humped. CAROLYN, COME HOME, BECAUSE I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT! it's exhausting to have to tell these straight girls that we can't do it. ok, i guess i'm not lonely so much as i just want like...a friend haha. but i think at this point, it would have to be a work friend, an after-work friend, or an online friend. OR, i can quit my job and get one with a better schedule. you know...with nights off that aren't monday and tuesday. i just feel like i'm stuck in a trap now. i feel like i've fast forwarded to my mid 30's and i'm still in the same place. i'm 19 fucking years old and i already feel old! i don't trust places that make me feel that way. however, i love all my coworkers, and don't want them to be fucked over because i felt like quitting.

carolyn, i miss you. without you here, every day is meaningless. all day, i wait for the time when i can finally sit down and call you. the days are blurring, along with my vision. i just want you to know that i love and appreciate you more than you can ever begin to imagine. you saved my life, and i will never be able to thank you enough. i'd like it if you came back and saved it again for me, but i hate to put you in that position all the time. you're always my savior, and that's all you ever are to anyone. i want to save you! you're too strong though...you always keep your head up and you always come out on top. i admire that about you. maybe someday i'll acquire that skill, but i doubt it. i've become dependent on your ability to rescue me when i'm being swept away in the ocean of emotions that is my mind. but you can't very well save me when we're not together or even talking very much! enogh of that nonsense. sorry. i love you. come to me soon so i can be whole, if only for a few hours of a night.

am i too in love? is there such a thing? is it beyond love and just a sick obsession now? i don't even know. does she feel the same way i do? am i just in love with her because she's the only one who ever cared? is that wrong? i know it feels perfect, but it's all i know. why do i make things that are simple so complicated?

i've always liked cats, because if a cat likes you, you know it. it's not for any reason but that it loves you. they don't think they owe you anything or that they have to act like they like you so you don't feel bad. plus, they're so fucking cute.

why have i never formed close relationships? am i weird? what's wrong with me? in elementary school, i felt like it was because i didn't know enough. but now...i feel like i know too much. i can do anything. but still, i'm not appealing as a person. short answer: knowledge is not necessarily power. longer answer: i don't even fucking know, but this is longer. i guess it's so frustrating because i see all these people with like a million friends and i know i'm cooler than they are, but i'm so goddamn shy that i'm just weird when people first meet me. no desire for more nikita. god only knows what carolyn saw in me. probably just that i was mysterious or something. oh well. i should probably be getting ready for another exciting day at the comus.

so...i went to the store this morning because i wanted cereal and there was no milk. i was up because i had to bring the boy to school, but that's not this story. i brought in like 2 dollars because i don't have any money. i brought the milk up to the register, but the people working were busy. this random guy was talking to me about the milk. he was like "you thirsty?" and i told him "yeah. it's a long drive...i need something to drink" and he laughed. then he said "got milk?" and i was like "haha i do now!" then there was a 5 second pause. "you could have a nice bowl of cereal with that milk." "hahaha yeah well that's exactly why i came out to get it. i poured the bowl and then i went in the fridge and was like 'shit!'" then i put up the milk and it came to like 4.19. i was like "oh my god i don't even have enough money...i guess i won't be getting any milk..." then they guy said "no! how much do you need?" and pulled out his money. i was like "two dollars, but that's ridiculous...that's like half the milk!" then he gave me like three dollars and said "is that enough?" and i said "yeah but you gave me three dollars so you can--" "here's four!" "oh my god thank you so much..." and like...i think he was all trying to talk to me because my hot new hairstyle ;) and pretty much i didn't pay any money for that milk. none. long story short, scott's hairstyling skills bought me a gallon of milk. awesome!

i live for times like last night and this morning. however, 95% of the time, it's bullshit. i can't wait for 3 and a half years from now...

is it really that bad to hate everyone you don't like?

i'm seriously about to open my cafe. i'm seriously about to buy a new car. i'm seriously an adult and i seriously miss my fucking girlfriend to pieces. i'm seriously tired of my job, but at the same time i seriously love everyone there. i seriously am sick every day because i seriously don't know what to do. seriously i need to get a raise or i seriously need to quit. i seriously am happy that i've been seeing more of people lately. i seriously feel ugly as shit without carolyn around to make me feel attractive. i seriously have kickass speakers for my computer. i seriously need to get over depression. seriously, it's not like i'm even sad. actually, seriously, it might just be anxiety. it's seriously draining. seriously, all that wasted adrenaline and energy is spent on nothing. that seriously makes more sense. it's seriously a huge obstacle though. hahahaha enough with the seriously.

but in all honesty, i believe that it is my anxiety that fucks me up. it's totally just in the background too, because i've learned to ignore it. it's such a cyclic thing that i don't know how to get out of it. i worry about being sick because all this anxiety has been causing me to feel sick and tired and all that fun shit. my muscles are tight on my shoulders, which makes the muscles on my chest feel tight.

typical day at work: i roll up 15 or 20 minutes late, because i don't really care. i wander around saying hi to everyone, then run downstairs to get a jacket. i put it on as i walk upstairs and then check the reservations. i talk to the hostess, whoever it is that day, and they ask me for chocolate. i say "well, i don't know what i have...i just walked in." so we walk back to the kitchen and i see that there's a delightful mess in the pastry kitchen. i check the coolers and assess what needs to be done. usually it's not much, but i can come up with something most of the time. if not, i just make biscuits or fuck around with the servers and hostesses. i make myself a drink -- a cup filled with ice, then most of the way up with lemonade. then a squirt of sprite to make it bubbly and delicious. i go back to the hostess and actually check the reservations, because i always forget to while i'm being asked about desserts. if there are birthdays or anniversaries, i go write the plates out. i put the bread in the oven and then take it out when it's done. now comes the fun part of my evening. the first tables come in and i think "finally...i can sit down and relax." so i do for a little bit, but then i get bored and lonely because carolyn won't pick up her phone. i usually try to find some way to annoy the hostesses more, but if doc's around, i just go stand in front of the line and act like i'm expediting. i pretty much talk to jose and watch him cook. i help out everyone whenever i can, because i'm bored out of my mind. i have nothing to do until dessert time. i go in the pastry kitchen and clean it. then i just stand around for a while. third course just went out so it's time for the waiting game. when will they be ready for dessert? in 5 minutes? half an hour? longer? it's up in the air. i feel trapped. "my chest is tight!" anxiiiietyyyyy. "wait i can't be having a heart attack...i'm healthy. it only hurts when i inhale, so it's just my lungs...who needs lungs?" not worried anymore, but my body is still freaking the fuck out. "i have to go sit outside for a minute...tell me if desserts get fired." i sit outside, usually call carolyn. most of the time, she doesn't pick up. i take a deep breath and revel in the calm of nature outside, halfway up sugarloaf mountain. tension leaves my body. i rip a leaf off the holly bush and proceed to rip it into small pieces. after 30 seconds or so (which have felt like 5 minutes), i get up and walk back into the kitchen. i reach for my mints, which i either have or i don't. if i do, i stay about the same. if i don't, i get pissed that i don't have mints. i drink some of my drink. pace around...stretch in the doorway...anything to pass the time until it's my turn. finally, a dessert fires. halfway through the preparation, two more fire. shit. always at the same time. everything goes out beautiful, and i have forgotten my woes. oh yeah...all of them are done...except. wait! god dammit, there's still a 5 top out there and half of them didn't order dessert yet! i clean up as much as i can, which isn't much because they could choose any dessert. christ, i hate when they wait until the end to order dessert. so i wait and wait. the kitchen is empty because the other guys went out to smoke. i wait and wait until finally it fires with a bunch of annoying desserts. i make them, and another mess. i clean and clean and then sweep and mop. then i wait until those assholes go home. i take off my jacket and go sit on the couches in the lobby to hang out with jose and the servers and hostess. we bullshit around until whenever and then i get in my car and call carolyn. i tell her how much i miss her and that i love her and anything funny that happened while i was fucking around. she gets tired or her roommate comes in, so we can't be on the phone. i get online for a while and then feel like i'm about to throw up, so i have to get off. i fall asleep to the food network, cuddling chesta and sometimes a kitty. i wake up several times during the night to kitties or the tv being too loud suddenly. i take care of whatever problem there was and fall back asleep. i wake up, eat food, shower, and do it all again. so if you ever had a question as to why i never do anything other than work...that's the answer. or is it? i dunno...i'm supposed to be sleeping because i work at noon tomorrow. i'll read tomorrow and fix it if need be. night shitface!

i think i'm quitting my job. for a better one. that means free time will be mine at last. yay for lack of loyalty! patrick keeps tricking me into talking about myself when i have mystery to uphold. yeah. i'm too tired to type much more. i miss carolyn more than i miss raisin squares, and i can work myself up into a rant on that subject. dammit i'll finish my thoughts in the morning.

some people are so cranky. emotions are overrated. so are fucking strawberry delight frosted mini wheats. oh well. off to play some more video games. cheer up, friends. it's not that bad.

i think too much. too often. one of the two. enough that my thoughts kind of interfere with anything i do. it pisses me off. on that note, i hate it when people tell you something's wrong with you when there's no real way to fix it. not like it's happened recently, but i thought about it. today's thoughts have also included road rash, my dream, softball, my inability to be streetworthy most likely due to my gender, my weight that never fluctuates, a small panic attack which was controlled before it became paralyzing (not that it mattered because i was just laying there anyway), my list of thoughts that's becoming increasingly detailed as i type it out, that sexy vehicross on south street, a shower that i need, the fact that i'm very tired and don't feel like moving, the lack of any social interaction on my part (aside from my carolyn time), how i don't want a penis in me (EVER), how sad the life of a dog seems to me...but how happy it seems to everyone else, my viewpoint on everything which doesn't seem to correlate with anyone else's, how much i am just...scared of something unseen and unknown to anyone (including myself), my dream (AGAIN. it must have some meaning if i can't get it out of my mind...), and there. i've reached my free association point where i have decided that there is one underlying thing. i don't know what it is, but it's holding me down. something restraining me. i'm kind of reluctant to find out what it is, but it's something big and scary. from looking over that, it would appear that i'm bitter about being female, which i guess makes sense because there's something coming up that would definitely make me feel that way. the birth of my second child! haha not funny. in general, i'm just in a bad mood. more of the depressed than the bitchy mood though. i should go out tonight i guess. but with who? nobody wants to hang out with a grumpy nikita. haha who am i kidding? nobody really should want to hang out with any nikita. sometimes i guess i can be kind of funny because my thoughts...the ones that make me whatever (they're working now. whatever? retarded word. retarded? limited vocabulary. hate it!) my thoughts make me a little distant, a little spacey...something. they make me seem like a burnout or something. a ditz? depending on what you know or have known me as, i could seem like anything. most people i talk to these days seem surprised when i tell them i used to smoke at all, so i guess these days i'm coming across like a ditz, or perhaps just an idiot. because ditz seems more like a "blonde cheerleader" type thing rather than a nikita thing. by the way. i've been thinking, and my silly way of speaking in monotone and at a kind of slow pace is pretty much adjusting for the thoughts which would normally cause me to speak quickly and/or stutter. also, if i get too into talking, i choke or gag or something. i'm not sure what it is, but my throat kind of locks up and i sound like a tard. so i'd rather sound like a depressed little fuck (which i guess is a pretty fitting description, since it's stuck around since ninth grade) than some crazy homeless person. either way, i'm pretty insecure about talking to people. so if i'm around, and i don't talk very much, it's because i've been told enough that my train of thought is weird and i pretty much hate competing for attention. i'm content enough being kind of a background thing. and if it's one on one...i'm still not talkative because i'm insaaaane. i think it's a nervous thing. you see (story time kiddies!), growing up, i never really had close friends. possibly because i was a shy little bitch. possibly because i moved every couple years and never stayed in contact with my childhood friends. more than likely, a combination of those, plus the fact that i didn't do girly things, so no girls were my buddies. and boys don't want girls as friends when they're in like elementary school. in middle school, i had a retarded haircut and got made fun of for being a heshe. and a lesbian. turns out that...yeah whatever it was close enough to right. but the point is that i yet again had no friends. i had my family, but by then i was becoming the cool antisocial nikita we all know and love. my insecurities grew and i pretty much distrusted everyone. i became friends with amy and catherine in eighth grade and then i at least had some people who didn't make fun of me. haha then we went, together (except for amy...she was always ahead of us) into the silly little cutting thing. by the time i had gotten over that, which was in probably tenth grade, i found myself thrown into the world, a semi-adult, with pretty much no valuable social skills. pretty much, i can put on my sweet face, i can cry, i can make fun, and i can argue. about the social skills of a ten year old. great. not exactly presentable, am i? but i can put up my little walls and my little mask and get by. too scared to actually like jump out there and trust my instincts. but i notice. i see the social interactions that everyone has that i can't even dream of. when i'm really comfortable, i can pull off a charming or even intelligent conversation, but of course i'm not comfortable unless i'm with like...carolyn or someone related to me. so, if you're not any of those people, and you've gotten this far, i commend you for 1) being a good enough friend to suffer my whining or whatever this is, 2) dealing my awkward speech patterns, and finally, 3) not expecting any better of me. even though that would be nice. whenever someone deals out some sort of challenge (like marc saying i could never get a car dealer to haggle with me and get the car down to what i know it's actually worth), i work until i get as close as i can to actually doing it. like that vehicross. i can go up there and talk to that guy. i can work it. will he change his mind? not necessarily. will it be my fault? no. i'll be happy i tried and i'll have more experience so that next time i will be better. i have this strange balance of optimism and pessimism when it comes to myself. my confidence in myself is very very high if i know i can handle a given task. but when i don't know it (regardless of my actual ability in that area), i will think it's horrible. it could be amazing, and people can compliment me until they turn blue, but that virgo perfectionist won't back off. how i distinguish between what i think i'm good at and what i think i suck at, i don't know. i don't think i'm good at very many things. i know i can write when i want to. not so much poetry or songs or that shit. just. i can use words if i get into one of my moods. i only think it's good when i'm still in that mood though. once i'm out of it, it's just average and nothing special. a little disjointed, actually. i know i can clean! not sure if that's something to brag about, because cleaning is pretty simple. i can love. i can spend money like a motherfucker. i can listen. not necessarily retain for any period longer than 15 minutes...but i can listen. i can arrange/decorate...anything. flowers, sugary deliciousness, furniture. i just have an eye for it or something. or maybe i'm ocd and insane. either way...i can do it. i can work myself up into a panicky frenzy on command. just give me ten minutes and i'll think i'm dying. i can do minor work on cars...more if i end up having to practice on my own car some more. i pride myself on being able to empathize with anyone, even if i've never been in that situation. i can make anyone look stupid. that's about it. hahaha i can recite cartel lyrics without hearing the song. everything else is on my doubts list. that's why i beg for your constant approval. i want to know i'm good. i want to be as confident as i can act online when there are no consequences to my actions. i love the idea of confidence, but it's just an idea to me. and i hate it because i sound like some emo little douche. instead of confidence, i exude the aura of a bully, because it's the closest i can get. i'm not really as mean-spirited as i act sometimes, but i guess i am as angry as those displays would suggest. not at anyone in particular. myself! emo! however, this is because i think too much. too often. and it pisses me off. AND IT ALSO PISSES ME OFF THAT MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT BROUGHT ME TO A COMPLETE CIRCLE OVER THE COURSE OF ONE HOUR! i still feel the same and this is how my brain works. thank you for your time and just ignore my writing because it apparently hasn't done anything for me, so it should be about the same for you. sorry! got you all excited for nothing.

well. i'm laying in bed, trying to sleep. obviously not working so well. i thought i had something to say, which is why i started this. but i guess not. maybe i'll remember in the morning. NECRONOMICO: BOOK OF THE DEAD. carolyn i think i want us to watch that movie because it's a shitty horror film with like no budget from what i can tell. it was made in 93. aw this commercial is so cute. i'm getting my cat and going to sleep. fuck the cat. i'm watching rachael ray and ("c'est fromage") wishing carolyn were here...because i'm a dork and it's been a week. i've been...missing things and people lately. good sign. that means i'm not so much depressed anymore. i actually want to go out and do something in my close to zero downtime. fuck clam chowder. shit i have to go to the bank. FUCK i forgot to talk to that guy. night, bitches.