I Know The Lyrics Are Reversed.

no tears tonight. i refuse. i swear i must be a masochist of sorts...i really just keep opening my wounds and salting the shit out of them. intentionally. like i'm trying to upset myself. i'm just so very determined to win back the love of my life...in both senses of the phrase. right now i believe carolyn and i are being tested by some greater force...and i know i'm becoming stronger for it, but i don't want her to go. i feel like she will decide later (or sooner i would hope) that i actually am the right choice, but i feel like her girlfriend is cockblocking me, so to speak. i think for every word that i say, she has a reason why that's bad. she thinks my opinions and feelings are meaningless (or at least pretends to so as to intimidate me, much like in the animal kingdom). not meaningless, but used to manipulate rather than actually being logical. carolyn, i am by no stretch of the imagination irrational. ever. until you break up with me and i'm scrambling to save what we have. right now, i'm a bit disheveled...actually very much so, but i still have a clear head on me. anyway, i'm eating for the first time today, so i should not pretend i'm going to write anymore.

i don't know what's wrong with me. all i do is go to work, go home, go downstairs, and smoke cigarettes and cry. i don't want it. i don't want to be that girl. i don't want my life to be totally upside down and the one person i want to care doesn't. everyone else cares and is upset about it for me, and i appreciate that. i just...dammit. i thought it was forever...i guess because that's what she promised, but i guess i should have gone with what i normally do and not taken it seriously. she's so happy now...but i'm not! i'm such an idiot for letting this happen. i should have been up her ass all the time. i should have always spent my money on her even when she told me not to. i shouldn't have fought with her about retarded things. i shouldn't have done any of the stupid shit i did and now i don't have her anymore. i was overly confident i guess...that what she said was true and she loved me for me and it was forever and we were perfect. i want it back. my life. whatever i'm in now is not living. i'm just falling into whatever comes my way...and along my path i bump into things and it hurts, but not nearly as much as the fear of what's going to happen when i stop falling. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't make my jokes anymore. i don't smile and i don't want to. my nose is like raw and bleeding from dripping so much. on the plus side, i've got my pretty crying face all the time! too bad the only one who liked it was carolyn. yeah, i can probably move on, but i don't want to. i don't want anyone else. i want my baby...my onnah reesah roo. i want the green and 459 and moosepunch and family parties and driving her everywhere. i always bitched about it, but i still loved it. i don't want to see her parading her love for her new girlfriend all over the place. i want to kick someone's ass, but that's not who i am. i'm so...angry. i just want to punch everything around me. i don't want to go to sleep and i don't want to eat food and i don't want my horrible cold to go away. i want to remember this for the rest of my life. but i DON'T want this to BE the rest of my life. i know it will be unless i get her back, because i cannot get over this. i can get over ANYTHING but this. my childhood cat is killed in my room, bleeding on my floor and my clothes? eh, panic attacks for a year, but i got over it. humiliated by my friend in front of my girlfriend and her best friend who i didn't even know were there? i mean whatever. lose my job and can't pay the bills? i made it. everything else life has thrown my way, i have overcome relatively easily. so why is it that a fucking girl is my ultimate weakness? a girl who loves me, but isn't in love with me. a girl who spent six years telling me i was the only one for her and that we were going to spend our lives together and she would die before she got over me...all the while attracting the entire washington baltimore metropolitan region and turning them away (after considering a few for a while)...and what? she meets some cliche stereotypical dyke that happens to go to her school and have her major and two weeks later, "it's love". bullshit...but whatever. i just thought that we had made it through everything...to hell and back...and that we were on our way to paradise together. guess she made the bus, but only after throwing me under it. thanks sweaty! she doesn't want to see me or talk to me because she's trying to get over me. why the FUCK would you try to get over someone who hasn't ever done you wrong? if i were hurting her, i would understand. if i were controlling, i would understand. but i let her do whatever she wanted and i guess she just took advantage of that. very nice, my love, but what the hell am i supposed to do? i don't see any reason to assume you're gone forever because you never are. but now you're trying to subtly hint that you want it that way. will you grow some fucking balls and just tell me? you never could turn anyone down. is that just because you want them to continue to make your little ego cum? that's disgusting and i don't want to be one of your little attention slaves. i'm tired of this shit. it sickens me to think of how much we have done and been through together and how suddenly, randomly, and without reason you decided you wanted something better. all i had, made, and came across was shared with you. god FUCKING dammit. guess what song just came on. that one that made me cry even while we were dating. you know, i wasn't crying because it was sad or anything. i cried because you were singing and i could feel it in your chest and your voice is amazing...it was the most beautiful thing that i had ever experienced. still is to this day. it was like a movie...your favorite. i was just so overcome with it i didn't know what to do but cry. now, however, i cry because it reminds me of what i've thrown away to the wolves. you'll never feel what we have with anyone else. and i know, with my infinite knowledge of the world, that there is nothing better. you don't believe me, but you never do. i'm always right in the end though. anything better, and we would both be crying constantly from the beauty of it all. that moment was my favorite time ever...the closest to actually happy i think i can say i've ever been. i'm sorry i'm depressed. i'm sorry my job drains me of nearly everything and i give you all the rest until i pass out in my bed. i'm sorry my dreams don't include college. i'm sorry your dreams don't include me anymore. i guess the gist of what i'm saying is that i'm sorry. i'm sorry from the bottom of my heart and the tip of my tongue and between my toes and behind my swollen, hot eyelids and everywhere between. i want you to know that my heart and body and soul are aching for you from the moment i wake up until the moment i toss myself to sleep. in my dreams, memories of us haunt me and make me happy until i wake up and realize those times are no more. this is not a cry for attention, nor is it a plea for your return. this is my expression of emotions for the first time in a long time and it's been a long time coming. remember, mind you, that i always feel this way, but i don't feel the need to tell you because it overwhelms me and i'm afraid to overwhelm you. my face is crusted with trails of salt and my lungs are aching with exhaustion. actually, this crying is moving my sinuses, so i feel better than usual, but i still have that tickle and cough. i wonder when you'll notice i posted this. i'll try not to tell you tomorrow if i talk to you, but maybe you won't have time for me and we won't talk. maybe you still have compulsions to check my livejournal even though i don't write in this. most likely, you won't notice until time has passed and go "holy shit nikita wrote in her livejournal." then you'll tell me to stop because it's confusing you or whatever. you think you're confused? ha. here comes number four since i've been home. cigarettes. every song i have reminds me of you for the record. actually, i think everything i own, see, or do reminds me of you. i believe that's why i'm having such a tough time dealing with all this. i just scratched an itch i had with my icy cold hand, and now the cold is burning through my stomach like a chemical burn.

i love it when other people blame me for their mistakes and/or shortcomings. it's not my fault you're an attention whore!

this morning, during my first moments of conscious thought, it dawned on me that i have serious issues with anger management. for some reason beyond my understanding, nearly everything angers me. instead of healthily (or unhealthily) expressing this rage, i internalize it. after a few minutes, the steam is gone, but the feeling remains hidden. during one day, i can say that i get very angry at least five times. varying degrees of lesser anger? i've never counted. you may be asking, "why don't you just be mad and get it out of your system?", but that option doesn't really exist because a lot of the things i get upset over are not as big a deal as they seem like to me. for example, if my dog steps on my foot or drools on me, i pretty much want to kick her ass. i know logically that there is no reason to kick a dog's ass unless it's ripping out your throat, so i don't do anything about it. i'm also very, very, very, VERY jealous and possessive of anyone i feel like i'm close to. hence my avoidance of dependence! but, shit happens. when i get jealous, especially repeatedly over a short period of time, i'm ready to go twelve rounds with any motherfucker that gets in my way. so...basically my feelings go unexpressed and i try to forget about them. of course, i don't...they just come back up in a huge ball of unhappy feelings with no reasons attached. that's when i get all emo. sadness is more acceptable to other people than anger. a little more mellow, never harmful to anyone but myself. but! i always get over it, so it's not really harmful...it just makes me stronger.

on the surface and for a good bit below the surface, i seem clingy or in need of people. however, i am a very independent individual. i do not rely on the reassurance of others in order to function. in fact, the opposite is true. i avoid "needing" other people because i know how they can be given too much power over anyone else. BUT, i make a conscious effort to want people in my life. i force myself to think i need someone close to me. the reason for this effort? i am not, nor do i wish to come across as, thinking myself greater than anyone. so, the conflict in this case is that i don't NEED people, but i WANT to need people. a pitiful state in itself, almost as much so as just needing the fucking company.

holy fucking shit. now i can fix it.

i'm lost without you. it's undeniable. however, i'm also really awesome as finding my way when i'm lost. the worst part of it all is that i don't have anyone along for the ride this time...so i'm bored. what's the point in arriving if there's no one there to meet you? i'm taking my time, but i might not even go where i'm supposed to. all i can think of is where i want to be.

what the fuck. isn't the point of love to share it? together? if you're out of love with me, just tell me. if you're in love with me, just be with me. if you're confused, tell me. i know you can rock the "i like two people at the same time" thing, but i definitely can't. if you want me to get over you, you're going to have to hurt me. for real. just know there's a chance i won't be back.

i could cry thinking about all the memories i have with you, but i won't because that would be too emo of me. haha one got out, but that's it. i don't know what you ACTUALLY feel like, since you don't talk to me anymore, but judging by your livejournal entries, i would say you're feeling like something more definitive should be happening. something to show you the way. well, this isn't a movie and it's not going to happen like that. if something's going to happen, it's going to be because you made it. instead of going inside and thinking, you need to just do what instinct tells you to. that's how you're going to get out of the fog. close your eyes and step forward. you might not like what you find, but at least you'll find something. no matter what happens, everything's going to be ok...so don't worry about it so much. someone will always be there to catch you if you fall. however, that doesn't mean you owe them your life. you don't owe anybody anything. including me. including adin and brian and fucking everyone you talk to. if you keep that in mind, you might be able to break free from that whole...doing what other people want and not what you want thing. i know you want to make people happy, but you have to come first.

For today I'm lost without you. Forgot the way to be without you. Without you. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. But for today I'm lost without you. I need a way to be without you (without you.) I need a way to find just a few of you. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yes you know I would be alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yeah you know I would stay alone. Yes I would if I could stay alone. Yes I would if I could be alone. Yes you know I would be alone. Yes I would if I could stay at home. Yes I would if I could be alone. Remember the day I was lost without you. I found a friend who laughs just like you. Yes I would be alone. Yes I could be alone. Yes I would. Yes I would if I could be alone. Don't you know I would stay at home. If I could I would be alone.

you dumb cunt. you locked yourself out haha.

awesome! another day for reflection on my stagnant life! maybe today will reveal something i haven't seen before!

ok guys! after a brief month-long period of adjustment to something i had for four years, i'm cool again. i apologize for any weirdness. actually, i apologize only to carolyn, because fuck what you all think, you don't know.

carolyn, i know you were never mad at me or anything, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't be sorry. i'm not using any lofty language or anything, because while that may be my style, i don't want to mix any signals. i still love you and i always will, but i'm not going to pretend you didn't hurt me. however, i also know it wasn't on purpose, because you love me too and would never do such a thing. so. yes, we have both been caused pain. i'm over it, and you should be too. all i ever wanted you to know, through all those shitty things i said, was that you are indeed a different person, but it looks like we both are. i'm not asking for your forgiveness, nor am i begging for pity. i wouldn't accept either. just please, for my sake, tell your asshole friends to not be so judgmental. if they had any idea of what's actually happening, they wouldn't be so quick to say the things they do. the truth is, these people never have, and likely never will have, a relationship like ours or even a relationship as long as ours. there is no possible way for them to know how it feels to either of us. enjoy your pursuit of happiness, whether it be with a girl with no concept of love, or a boy who treats you like an asshole, or even alone. just make sure you're making yourself happy. i know right now you're not happy, but that may be my fault. i'm backing down and trusting you to know yourself, but please just make sure you don't ask a question you don't want answered, because i'm not sugarcoating anything for you. and also, i apologize in advance and in retrospect because i've been horrible the past couple weeks, and it may continue for a couple more. it's not just you, remember that. my whole life is up in the air right now and i'm just a little stressed out. i'm straightening it all out and i think you'll be pleasantly surprised with who i am once i fix everything else. :) i'll be your charming cutie in about a month, i think. today i came upon the realization that i've been living too much in the future and not for the present. with a new perspective (or at least the revitalization of an old one), i'm hoping to correct the damage that has been done and maybe even make some progress. i don't regret going on this break with you, because i think it made me finally realize that i was stuck in a rut that i really needed to get out of. not with you, of course, because we are forever growing, but in other aspects of my life. i think once i'm in a better place, we can possibly come back together and keep growing in a better environment. one where i'm not always pissed off about everything in my life but you. but...hey you could decide we're not meant to be. even if that's the case, i will be happy and i won't be relying on you to make me happy. we were slipping into complacency, so it's awesome that we decided to break. i was upset for a while because i missed being complacent. it's so much better than what i've got outside of us. now i know that instead of hiding from my shit in your arms, i just have to go out and fix it. so, in short, i would like to thank you, carolyn, for helping me come to this realization. once again, i apologize for being so hurtful to you and insulting other people you're close with. it was just a defense mechanism, and i see that now. i've picked myself up and am now beginning to dust myself off. just don't forget that i could never dust you off. even if i pretend to. i love you very much and i'm always here for you. don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

ok guys. time to start over.